Here Comes Santa Claus by Edward Lee

Author:Edward Lee [Lee, Edward]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Evil Cookie Publishing
Published: 2023-07-06T23:00:00+00:00

Rudolf the motherfuckin’ reindeer,

had a motherfuckin’ shiny nose,

and if you ever motherfuckin’ saw it,

you would say it motherfuckin’ glows.

All of the other motherfuckin’ reindeers,

used to laugh and call him

motherfuckin’ names.

They never let poor motherfuckin’ Rudolf

join in any goddamn motherfuckin’

reindeer games...

What an affront to holiday cheer!

From there, he shuffled around to see what else had changed. The list was long.

And with each step he took, his level of revulsion and outrage trebled. The original first-rate Christmas trees now sported little severed baby hands and feet, ears, and even little itsy-bitsy baby pudenda. Instead of lit angels mounted on the tops of each tree, there were severed jackal heads.

The throw rugs beneath his feet now read, ARBEIT MACHT FREI, ICH WUENSCHE DIR BLUIGE WEIHNACHTEN, and ICH SCHNEIDE DIR DEN SCHWANZ ABUND LEG IHN AUF DIE WEIHNACHTSTORTE, Also on the floor was, not a bear-skin rug but a human-skin rug, complete with a stuffed, skull-less human head. The buckets of gingerbread men now were full of gingerbread figures bearing the likenesses of famous serial-killers such as penis-eating Jeff Dahmer, the cool handsome Ted Bundy, the chubby-faced John Wayne Gacy, and the infamous murderer and child rapist Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. The roaring fire now gave off the undeniable aroma of a Sonny’s Barbeque, and stacked high on the grate were several toddlers quickly approaching medium-well. Mummified human hands and feet now filled the stockings, human hands and feet mostly, but Santa was pretty sure some were decidedly not human but looked more demonic instead.

A whistle blew and Santa’s attention was diverted back to the awesome holiday train set he’d gleefully noticed earlier. But now it was a grim scene indeed, for the slat-planked little train cars were brimming with very skinny people with sunken eyes, shaved heads, and drab gray-and-black striped sack-cloth. The little man outside ringing his bell was a Waffen SS Stabsunteroffizier, who loudly announced, “All aboard for Belsen-Bergen!”

Santa gasped again when he looked up and noted the previous garlands of green and red popcorn. They were now fitted with green and red human teeth.

No, no, no, Santa groaned, shambling away. But there was no surcease: what he looked upon now was the doll house, no longer the pleasant modern French country-style home but instead a black dilapidated Victorian mansion. He dared to peek inside the lower bay windows and saw that the happy middle-class man and woman were now gray and smiling cadavers. The father cadaver had his trousers down and was brandishing what seemed an impressive zombie erection, while, amid unpleasant gargling sounds, he was slowly strangling his adolescent son. Next, Santa saw that the little boy’s sister was faring worse, for here the cadaverine mother was hoisting the screaming little girl up, upside-down, on a rope. The little girl was naked, as one might expect by now, and eventually she was slowly lowered head-first into a crucible of bubbling, molten lead.

Again, Santa staggered, backward this time and so violently that he nearly fell over. But he’d just caught himself when he noticed.

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